Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

If Nelson were alive today.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on
with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of
being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case...............................kiss me, Hardy."

8 comments:

Noddy said...

It would be funny if it wasn't so damn true ..... ok it IS funny, very much so! FOCL.

totallyun-pc said...

Love it!

shame its so close to reality.

We,ve just had new lockers... get this.... sloping roof on everyone to stop kit being put on top. so the floor was full of trip hazards.

So, we've all super glued wooden battons to the edge of the locker roof, now our kit is precariously balanced on top, instead of safely nestled on top. You can't make it up. you really can't.

Anonymous said...

Heh heh. Absolutely love it. Unfortunately in this politically correct day and age where we can barely function without someone, somewhere becoming "offended", it's sadly all too true...Damn funny nonetheless!!!

Charlie Lima said...

Quality, its funny because its true, which is sad!

Charlie Lima said...

Loving the blog gonna put a link for it on mine.

BelfastPeeler said...

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Words I live by.

As for sloping lockers, you can still put your boots on top which is all you need really.

Drives the station inky daft though.

Whichendbites said...

Charlie Lima

Thanks for the link. You haven't posted since March. Are you back now ? If so I'll stick a link up for you.

dickiebo said...

It took me yonks to get decent H & S quals, and all you lot do is to ridicule them. How dare you.
PS. Wonder where Hardy got his name?